22nd
I’m going to keep trying whether you like it or not…
Yesterday I went to Fan’s place for dinner. My dad of course cooked. It was soooo good. He steamed a fatty piece of pork for 3 hours in this marinade he made. Just plain fatty goodness.. sauce went perfect over rice.. so well my mouth is drooling right now.. sauteed chinese squash in a chicken broth with abalone for more flavor. Prefectly steamed white chicken from the local asian store and chicken soup to finish it off. in case you haven’t noticed, my grammar is always going to suck until carrie comes in to edit/clean it up :) But she’s in maine right now.
Best part of the night is hanging out with gracie, sparrow and catching up with fan… my sweet nieces who are starting to recognize carrie and me. “Come on Auntie Jannie, let’s have a dance party! You have to get up!” Every time Carrie doesn’t come with me, I say to gracie, “guess who misses having a dance party with you?” She immediately answers, “AUNTIE CARRIE!” Just melts my heart that she knows who we are.
I have to say. you gotta love kids. So innocent and wonderful. You ask them to say something and they’ll say it. I got gracie to say, “ja po (grandma in chinese) will you go to auntie jannie and auntie carrie’s big party?” My mom shakes her head and I’m laughing and hurting at the same time. Deep down my mom was feeling the same. Laughing a tiny bit(cause I somehow make her laugh instead of yell at me) and hurting at the same time. I give gracie a big hug and say thank you. In case some of you guys have missed it, my mom won’t come to my wedding. It’s okay, I’ve had 5 years to cry over it and carrie has stood by me every single moment. I’ll never be over it, but I’ll also never stop asking her to come to the wedding. Even the day of. I want her to know I want her there. Who cares what people think? Who cares what may happen in the future? All that matters is now. All that matters is we care about family and we’re all happy! I hope she reads this one day. I hope she understands one day. I hope she comes to the wedding! Not to toot my horn, but I for some reason feel I could actually change my mom’s mind. She is seriously the most stubborn woman I know, but the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. Everyone says not to bother. But I know my mom. She would be offended if I even stopped asking! I have to do it all so delicately. So delicate and perfect it’ll be a movie scene one day. (I am the manipulator you made me, mom!) What can I say.. I also have my dad in me.. i’m an optimist. I’m my mom’s baby. She thinks I’m doing something stupid. But I know this is the smartest thing I’ve ever done. This is such a sensitive subject and there is so much to say. I just need to find the right thing to say at the right time. I need to just crack her hard exterior. Inside, there is a sensitive person. A person who is still dealing with issues from her past. I need to convince her that I’m not trying to disrespect her. I’m just trying to live the life that makes me happy. If she can realize it one day, maybe she’ll be happy too. In the meantime, she’s depressed because of how I am living my life. Thank goodness for my brother and sister. If they didn’t live the perfect lives my parents wanted them to, then we’d be in way much more trouble! She’s way proud of all of them. I love my mom. She’s a great person. One of the greatest people I’ll ever know.
